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Survivors Of Suicide Loss
It’s been 28 years since I lost my mother. She died of end-stage, untreated depression. She took her own life at the age of 53. My Mom successfully fought through countless bouts of clinical depression throughout her life. She was an incredible woman. But depression is a deteriorating condition. Without adequate treatment….the overwhelming sense of sadness can lead to desperation so profound…..the only way out is suicide.
The loss of our mother was beyond painful for our family. But the tragic loss was compounded by an aching sense of isolation. No one talked about it. Family members avoided the topic. Our friends and neighbors avoided us. Even our pastor couldn’t look us in the eye to offer any comfort. In those days, the stigma associated with mental illness was firmly entrenched. Suicide was simply not discussed.
In many ways….things are better these days. The advent of Prozac and other effective depression treatments in recent years opened the floodgates of discussion. Finally, it’s ok to talk about mental illness. Sadly, progress in the acceptance of suicide as a fatal symptom of the illness lags behind. But we can’t continue to talk in whispers about a problem that affects so many families.
Consider these numbers. In the U.S. a person dies of suicide every 16 minutes…claiming more than 30,000 lives a year. Suicide now ranks first among causes of non-natural death in San Diego County. Since 1995, suicide has taken the lives of nearly 4,000 in the county. For every suicide completed locally….an estimated 8-25 are attempted. The fastest growing group completing suicide is children between the ages of 10-14. This rate has doubled in the last two decades. White males in San Diego have the highest suicide rate of any race/gender combination.
Just ask Connie and Rex Kennemer. Their 25-year old son, Todd, tragically took his life in November of 2005. “This month marks Todd’s third year away from us,” says Connie. ”Actually, Todd had been drifting away from us for some time as a result of mental illness. Bipolar disorder had been “erasing Todd” until he couldn’t even recognize himself. This is what mental illness does….replacing healthy thoughts with cruel and surreal fantasy until its victims are truly “out of touch with reality.”
But rather than suffer in silence, Connie and Rex and hundreds of other survivors of suicide loss cope with their loss by connecting with people who’ve gone through similar experiences. Through the San Diego chapter of Survivors of Suicide Loss, www.soslsd.org these friends and family members who have experienced unspeakable loss are focusing their pain on helping others survive…..BY TALKING ABOUT IT!
Connie and Rex explain it this way, “It is so important to understand what those who have mental illness feel like and endure so that we can have compassion…break the cycle of stigma and prevent others from taking their own lives.”
I wish such a group would have been available for me and my family. We were so alone. But as medical science continues to learn more about the brain chemistry involved in mental illnes…the stigma is slowly lifting.
But there’s more work to be done. And you can be part of it. The “Save a Life San Diego Community Walk” is this Sunday, Nov. 16. You can register at 8 a.m. at the corner of 6th and Laurel in Balboa Park. At 9, we’ll walk 3.1 miles through the park to promote prevention, awareness, education and support for survivors of suicide loss. 100% of the funds remain in San Diego….to help families like the Kennemers and others who don’t know where to turn after losing a loved one to suicide.
Hope to see you there.
San Diego knows that 10News anchor Carol LeBeau has a passion for healthy living. So what’s on her mind this week about Staying Healthy, and what do you think about it?
Julie Hillestad said on November 12th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Good Grief……..
Let me breathe
Let me seethe
Let me be
Don’t say it’s part of a bigger plan, I wanted my boy to grow into a man.
Don’t say time will heal, let’s be real it never will.
Let me breathe
Let me seethe
Let me be
Don’t say you must go on, this is my son who we miss a ton.
Don’t say you don’t know what to say, just reach out and be there someday.
Let me breathe
Let me seethe
Let me be
Life is for living this is true because those we love don’t go away they walk beside us everyday.
By Julie Hillestad
In Memory of my dear son Grant.
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In response, on November 22, 2008, Carol Mills said:
The day my Grandson died he was crying out for help.Did he get help? No!! He was made to feel so inferior and afraid thet he took his own life. That day not only did I lose a sweet, loving Grandson but part of my Daughter died too. He loved his family dearly and we will never get over it. All I can hope for is that lessons are learnt from this. It is too late for Grant, and those who were responsible need to think seriously about dealing with the next cry for help in a more caring and compassionate way. It could be your child next. Nannie
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Teresa Wright said on November 13th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I lost my dad in May of 1993 to suicide after a long battle with depression and self medicating. I myself have struggled with the same angst of being bipolar with self medicating tendencies, and have contemplated suicide, even attempted once. Thank God that attemp was futile, I am now a member of A.A. with my depression in remission. Where there was once no hope, I live a life full of love, joy, and abundant hope of an even brighter future. Thank you, Carol, for keeping this on the forefront of everyone’s mind.
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Mary said on November 13th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Thank you Carol for sharing your story of your Mother. My sister’s name was Carol. She was a registered nurse struggling with addition. I have since learned there are many, many people in the medical field with the very same struggle. In my sisters last words, she asked that we let all people know about the struggle especially in the medical field with addiction.
My sister was doing what I thought was, the unthinkable. Deverting medication from her patients to numb her pain. Her physical and emotional pain.
She told her hospital administrator what she was doing. She told Carol that if she signed a “last chance agreement” they would send her to rehab to get the help she needed. When she got to the hospital to sign that “last chance agreement” they put a letter of termination in front of her instead and told her she had to sign it and she was being terminated.
It would be easy to blame the hospital, and I believe they do own part of the reason my sister took her life that day after they terminated her. Their decision helped Carol make her decision which she had already had thoughts about. They helped her load the gun, so to speak. But, she chose to pull the trigger…….Mt sister and my family all have suffered from depression. It’s a monster that tries to win at all cost.
If we can prevent one person from taking their lives by talking or walking or whatever it takes, let’s do it!
I have never done this walk before. It’s been 12 years since my sister took her life. And took a part of all out lives with her. I will walk and I will talk until I can’t walk or talk any more if it helps one person to understand and feel that life is worth living!
See you on Sunday. Sincerely, Mary E. Grace
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Rex Kennemer said on November 16th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Carol, thank you for your personal and passionate message to the hundreds of walkers today at SAVE A LIFE COMMUNITY WALK in Balboa Park. Thank you for continuing down this path of transperancy with your community to help us understand how pervasive depression, mental illness and the risk of suicide are. Carol, you are a gift to the people of San Diego.
Rex & Connie Kennemer, CAHM
Community Alliance for Healthy Minds
http://www.cahealthyminds.com
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Ray Arnold said on November 17th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
My wife and I lost our son 18 years ago–or was it yesterday?. To anyone who is living with the loss of someone to suicide, I strongly encourage them to seek the help available through Survivors of Suicide Loss. It is comforting to know you are not alone, and your thoughts are not strange when you see them at the mall or hear them calling to you. There is a future ahead that can include joy and happiness again. Give yourself time and permission to grieve and don’t worry about what the world considers “normal” grief. Acceptance comes at different times for all of us.
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