Yes!!  I’m so happy!

Friday at Renew I had my Physical Therapy & chiropractic, then Jonathon gave me an awesome acupuncture session, after I told of my sciatica & on-going insomnia.  (Not only have I been having trouble falling asleep but when I finally do, I sleep very lightly, not deep enough for REM sleep where we do our dreaming.)   Well, not only did I fall sound asleep on the acupuncture table & start dreaming right then, I had the most wonderful night’s sleep that night!    I just got into bed & fell asleep right away, & I dreamt all night, non-stop. It was like an 12 hour movie marathon in there!  (I’m making up for lost time?)  I felt sooo good when I woke up, very happy & rested.

In fact it felt so comfy & good I decided to take a short nap Saturday afternoon just so I could have more, blissful sleep &  then fell right to sleep again Saturday night!  Oh, I thank you for that Jonathon!

Dr. Kevin sure worked me over in PT on Friday though.  My sciatica is slowly getting better but the muscles across my hips, rump, & outer thighs are still very tight (even causing some bones to be pulled out of alignment, especially my SI joint).   So I had another ‘tenderizing’ session–ooch!  But afterwords I really felt better, even though I was pretty stiff until I stretched & worked out Saturday.  I’m sure glad he’s working the cramps & muscle adhesions out as the sciatica is very painful & really limits what I can do.  (I’m limited to about 10 minutes of sitting or standing, & can lie down only on one side.)  So I can actually say I’m so happy that Dr. Kevin really kicked my butt!

In fact I felt soooo much better between Dr. Buchel’s chiro adjustment, the acupuncture, PT, & a good night’s sleep that I was able to do more on the bike Saturday (40 minutes!!) & do almost all of my exercises!  Boy, it’s amazing what you can do when you’re without much pain, & with a good night’s sleep!

Today I was only a little tired, but the heat sure took everything I had.  Our son had his Cub Scout ‘Box-Car’ Derby & picnic today & even under the shade pavilions it was HOT!!  So I’ve rested most of the afternoon & I’m trying to convince myself that I can get up & do some stretches & light exercise.  I think I’ll go make a power smoothie & do my exercises half an hour after I finish it–that usually helps!

Well, I’m happy to report I’ve had more energy yesterday & today!  I’ve been religious about eating a healthy snack within the first ten minutes I wake up, & that has helped a lot. I must need instant refueling after no food all night because if I don’t snack ASAP I start getting fuzzy-headed & I never really get to full power all day.   Hmmm . . . I wonder what this means?  (Good thing I’ll speak with Dr. Hedayat on Friday.)

Also, I’m still having sciatica, but thankfully not as bad as last week (I could barely walk!).  Every time it begins to flare up I do some of the exercises & stretches that Dr. Vanessa & Dr. Kevin have given me.  I’m very determined to use OTC pain meds only when I must, so I’m referring to my exercise printouts constantly.  I’m finding which ones work best for different kinds of pain, so I should be able to just stop & do whatever I need pretty soon as I’ll have memorized them all!

I’ve read some articles about how certain types of yoga can be very beneficial for fibromyalgia patients so I may try going into some of the basic moves I’m familiar with very slowly to see how my body tolerates them. (But I guess I should probably check with Dr. Vanessa first.)   ;-D

Yesterday I was able to ride my stationary bike (with low resistance) for 30 minutes, so I feel very good about that.  I was pretty tired physically today but not so bad that it interfered with my day–now that’s progress!  Yay! I’ve had to set my timer, but I’ve been eating either a healthy meal or snack about every 2 hours–it’s the only thing that keeps my brain engaged & energy up.

Now to make more progress at night.  For some reason I’ve been having insomnia again. (Pain? Worry? So tired I can’t sleep?  All of the above?  Again, something to speak with Dr. Hedayat about.)   So now I’m off to take a relaxing shower while I sip my Sleepytime tea & do boring-type crosswords until I can’t keep my eyes open. Rah.  :-D

Finally!!  I’m getting my energy back!  I woke up this morning & actually popped out of bed within 1/2-hour, not the 3+ hours of grogginess I’ve been going through before I can drag myself out.

But really, I’ve felt like this week would never end. I can’t believe it’s taken me TWO weeks to recover from that intense cleaning/house arranging marathon!  I hate being this fragile.  But I guess it really shows how run-down I was because even though I’m feeling better than before I began my health journey, I must be mindful that I still have a long way to go to be ‘sturdy’ again.   (Must . . .  pace . . . self . .  . . . . . . . have . . . patience . . . . . . Gah!)

This last week I had extreme sciatica to boot so walking has been full of surprises–I’ll be fine one moment, then I’ll stand for 5 minutes & can barely hobble across the kitchen.  Dr. Vanessa is on vacation so Dr. Kevin & Adam really helped put me back together.  Lots of stretching, plus Adam really worked over all my seized up muscles.  I felt so much better!  (And when I got home I was even better after a hot shower & Tiger’s Balm!)  I guess some of my sleepiness has been due to the pain–it totally wipes me out.

But  today I’m feeling pretty darn good, which is very encouraging.  (Yes!  I need encouraging right now!)  I’ve been very careful to stop, have a healthy snack, & rest whenever I start feeling tired so I’ve been able to go pretty much all day.  Not a lot of heavy work mind you, but the everyday chores I’ve had a hard time tackling.  So, yay me!!

My hubby, MIL (Mother-in-law), & son are coming home tonight from their week-long vacation, so I guess my vacation ends tonight too.    ;-D    Guess I’d better pull my garlic-roasted chicken off the rotisserie, grab my mega-salad & curl up with the DVR before they get home!

Yikes!  All I have to report is: sleeping! Since my last post I’ve managed to sleep through most of each day, especially since I’ve sent my hubby & son on a week-long vacation in the Eastern Sierras.   AAAH, the bliss of a quiet house!  I can sleep as much as I need!  (I guess I must need quite a lot right now as I’m still recovering from all the major stress & over-work last week.)

Today I actually got up before 10:00 (not after 1pm!) & was ready to tackle some over-due paperwork so I worked at the computer this morning & only took a 2 hour nap (not 4+!).  Now it’s time to hit the sack as I do have a long day tomorrow.  Good thing I’ve almost recharged my batteries, I’m going to need it!

Later, . . .  my pillow . . . is  . . . calling . . . < * snore * >

I was so excited to be making progress on Friday (previous post) & then (duh-duh-DUH) I really overworked Saturday, Sunday, & Tuesday—what a mistake! My hubby,  mom,  MIL (mother-in-law) & Uncle-in-Law all came up & we worked to finish off the upstairs ‘renovaton,’ cleanup, & do major reorganization of the 4 upstairs bedrooms.  (Talk about an exhausting game of musical furniture!   Whew! )  It does feel good to finish this seemingly never-ending project but man, I’m still whipped!  Even though I tried so hard to pace myself I had folks calling me all day long from all over the house for help, direction, decisions, blah, blah, blah.

Bottom line:  Now I’ve gone back to the extreme exhaustion, dizziness spells, & muscle fatigue.  I’ve barely had enough energy to follow my food plan (it would be soooo much easier to make an organic PB&J instead of cooking &/or slicing & dicing) but I’m being good, even though it’s very tempting to go back to my old stop-gaps.    And I know that I have to fight myself to take it easy when I’m  recovering! How could I have thought I was being careful?  What was I thinking?? (My pattern has been:  I begin to feel good then–bam!  I don’t have the patience to wait for the real recovery to be complete so I plunge forward, then end up back at square one, or worse.)   This time though, I simply felt guilty that everyone else was working so hard & I thought I looked like a slug whenever I put my feet up for a five or ten minutes.  I really try hard not to let what others think of me drive my behavior, but after a while the big sighs & eye-rolling made it hard to be firm with myself & rest.

Anyway, I am feeling better after lots of rest yesterday & today & I’m looking forward to my appointments tomorrow at Renew Health.  I’m seeing everyone tomorrow, except Tina Mears, so it’ll be a long morning but I know I’ll feel better when I’m done–I always do!

I did feel much better on Monday after Dr. Vanessa worked me over (she even used this new cold laser I’d never seen before to help breakup old adhesions in my muscles & reduce pain).  I did have to really take it easy during my workout though as I felt, literally, like I was an empty shell.  (I did finally get to meet Crystal though!  I knew she’s at Renew also but we’d never connected until then.  She’s so nice & she’s really working hard–just watching her workout kicked my be-hind!)  ;-D

After my body work with Dr. Vanessa & workout with Adam in PT, Dr. Buchel gave another awsome chiropractic adjustment, then I was back to see Dr. Vanessa to get more kiniseo-tape to help put me back together.  I did feel much better after I left on Monday, & I did rest when I got home, but I didn’t rest enough & then it was back to work on Tuesday to finish the house.  Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Hmmm, let’s see, what have I learned?  Anything???  (Darn, I sure hope so!)

First:  Don’t let others’ expectations, or my presumption of their expectations, goad me into behaviors that I know are unhealthy for me at the time.  I am strong enough in my resolve to guard my health & if some folks don’t understand my situation then I’ll just have to live with their diminished opinion of me.

Second:  I have to watch myself more closely than I thought as I continue to recover my health. I’ve been advised in the past to look at what I think I should be able to do at each stage of physical recovery (after knee surgery, etc) & cut that expectation in half.  Then, cut it in half again.  I guess I’ll have to go back to this mindset when I’m tempted to ‘break out’ on the days when I’m feeling really good.  Even though boring, I know that slow & steady is my best plan for now.  Rats!  ;-D

I’ve become very aware over the last few days that I’m in the habit of reaching for the Aleve & Advil wa-a-ay to quickly!  In the past, whenever I’d start to have severe pain I’d pop some of these OTC meds to help me function.  Trouble is, the pain would always come back when the pills wore off.   < Doh!! (head-slap) >  But I just figured I couldn’t do much about the pain right then so I’d continue to run in coping mode instead of health mode.  This has become an unconscious, knee-jerk response for me over the years & now I must work hard to break this pattern & re-train my brain!

So now I’ve been really careful with any medications while I’m doing this cleansing diet Dr. Hedayat has me on to rest several of my organs & body systems (liver, pancreas, gall bladder, endocrine system).  I figure any medications I use now are inhibiting my healing process, since over-use of medications is a major cause of many of my current health problems, Dr. Hedayat tells me.  So I’ve decided to be very aware of every pill I take & carefully weigh if I truly need it.  Instead of pills, I’ve been trying to put to use all the great things I’m learning at Renew.  EEK!  Must . . . learn . . . new . . . coping skills . . .

I will say that my experiment in pain management has been about 80% successful–80% realization of my habits & the remaining 20%  just plain old hard work on my part to break them.  The exercises I’ve been given have been my mainstay right now. Every time the pain begins to hit the point where before I wouldn’t have been able to relieve it except through pills, now I do some specialized crunches, stretch hamstrings, psoas, & hips, & do some upper-back & neck exercises.  Wow!  I won’t say the pain is gone, but it does ebb back below the critical level–Wahoo!!

It’s so exciting to find I can get actual, meaningful results when using new methods to reduce & manage my pain! I honestly felt I’d be able to reduce my pain somewhat, but the results I’m seeing now are, frankly, about where I thought I’d be in 3 or 4 months–not after 3 weeks on the whole program!!  I’m so astounded I can’t express the full depth of amazement that I feel.  My pain is there, sure.  But it’s less severe on an every day, ongoing basis, & I’m able to manage it more easily.

I guess it’s all starting to gel a little bit: I feel more energy on this cleansing diet & herbal supplements prescribed by Dr. Hedayat; After an acupuncture session with Jonathon I feel more calm, ‘whole’, & healed (for lack of a better description) & I know from past experience this will continue to build over time; The chiropractic adjustments from Dr. Buechel (& Dr. Hummel) are helping to straighten my rotated pelvis & all the other stuff that’s out of alignment in my spine & body; Dr. Vanessa, Adam, & Dr. Kevin are hitting me with awesome exercises, specialized massage to unlock spasmed muscles, lots of joint manipulation & stretching, taping me up like a mummy, & (the best part) teaching me ways of doing the same types of body work at home!!

I’m actually starting to believe that my goals I originally wrote out will all be achieved! I admit it. When I wrote about the restoration of health that I wanted in my life, that I honestly believed was possible for me, I wrote about my absolute, best-case, dream scenario.  (I’ve found throughout my life that if I set my goals high, but not so high as to be completely unrealistic, I can achieve results far beyond the expectations of my pragmatic side.)

But, now that I feel I’m making significant headway towards my goal of health, although I’m just starting on the path, I actually believe it in my very soul that I will achieve all my goals! I have the will, I’m acquiring the tools, and I have a fantastic team that I believe will give me healing.  This is the solid foundation for the permanent life changes I so devoutly want, & desperately need.  And each of these changes takes me closer to my new self, & my new life!!

I had a great morning at Renew on Thursday! Physical therapy really kicked my butt (ba-a-a-d butt, ba-a-a-d!)   I’m still having a problem doing aerobic exercise, where my breathing & heart rate are elevated, as I get dizzy & feel as though I’m about to pass out before I’ve even gone a minute or two.  So Adam has been putting me through my paces doing balance & strength-training exercises.  He kept me going until he had the ultimate proof of my wimpiness & I actually tipped over onto my butt–thanks Adam.!  ;-P   (Not really; we were done & I tipped over while trying to get up for my session with Dr. Vanessa.  It just sounds better that Adam’s such a slave driver.)  ;-D

Then I had more acupuncture with Jonathon while I took a nap.  (I always seem to take a nap while I’m having a session–it’s very relaxing!)  And Jonathon also made an interesting comment after I updated him on my ongoing dizziness: He wanted to know if I was exercising inside the house, outside, or both.  When I admitted I’m only working out at home he encouraged me to do some outside, as long as I take it easy & watch for dizziness.  Hmmmm . . .

After a chiropractic adjustment with Dr. Hummel, who’s subbing while Dr. Buchel takes a few days off, I felt really good!  I felt very balanced & to my amazement I found myself trotting up & down the short flight of stairs down to PT so Dr. Vanessa could work her ‘magic’ again with the Kinesio-Tape (sp?).  (See previous  ’Mummy’ post.)

She got me all taped up & once again my spine was so darn straight I was amazed.  I felt so good that on the way home I stopped by Buddy Todd Park & took a walk around the park’s walking path.  I only walked about 10 minutes but I can truly say I haven’t felt that good while walking for years!!  Usually my sciatica hurts & makes it extremely painful to hold my pelvis & lower back in a balanced position, which causes more back & knee pain.  But I just kept walking along at a nice pace & felt great!  Yay!!  Progress!

Then after I returned home I took my son & a friend to the pool (small, homeowner’s association pool but hey, it’s wet!).  After stretching & playing with them for a while finding diving rings & such, I decided to try Jonathon’s advice & did some gentle mini-lap swimming.  (I did say the pool is small, right?)  But I swam 10 or 12 laps, resting when I felt any dizziness coming on until I had caught my breath, then continuing.  It felt great to do a variety of strokes so after I did some crawl, underwater across the pool, modified frog, kickboard, etc, my muscles & body felt great.  I think the swimming feels good because I don’t have so much weight, & what weight I have is distributed differently so my joints rest,’ if that makes sense.

The only problem I had was my K-tape started to come off! EEK!  Dr. Vanessa said it should last 3-5 days & it was OK to swim & shower as long as I don’t rub it when drying off.  The only thing I can think of is the first time she applied it, she reinforced it with some spray adhesive.  But when I came back in Thursday it was solidly in place so I guess she thought it wasn’t necessary.  I guess I’ll have to make sure she uses some heavy-duty super-glue–I’m going to be doing lots of swimming until it cools down this Fall!

Fridays I don’t have much time to blog (teaching workshops, then napping) or on the weekend (napping, doing chores, napping) but I felt more rested.  And, instead of sleeping 12 to 14 hours a night & taking 2-4 hour naps, I’ve been sleeping between 9-11 hours at night with only an hour or so for a nap!!  Again, more progress!!  Huzzah!!

Now it’s time for shower & beddie-bye ’cause I’ve got to be up early tomorrow (Monday) for my 9:00 with Dr. Vanessa, & so Adam can once again kick my butt!

Well, I definitely feel better today! (Sunday) Even though I slept late this morning, when I got up I could stand & stretch! I’m still pretty stiff in the low back/pelvis but SOOO much better. I stretched for a few minutes & I was ready to go.

I was able to do almost three hours of work around the house & garden, being careful not to over-work my back (a past pattern of mine).  Around lunchtime I did have another ‘I’m so tired I’m passing out’ episode & I took a 2-1/2 hour nap,  but then I was up again & felt ready to go do more!  This is definitely progress.

I think the biggest change I’ve noticed over the past few days is that I’ve been hardly drinking any coffee or tea!  (Those of you who know me can pick your jaws up off the floor now.)  I’m usually the gal with a big mug in my hand most of the day–it’s the only way I’ve been able to keep myself on my feet & reasonably clear-headed.  But now I feel a more natural, ‘calmer’ sort of energy, if that makes any sense.  Today I never drank even one cup of green tea and I didn’t  notice until dinnertime!  This is amazing! I’m not having physical cravings for carbs either, just more of a  reflex kind.  I trimmed the the crusts off my son’s sandwich & almost ate them–but instead our dog Jay Jay performed the time honored role of clean up crew.  Whew!

I’ve had so many changes going on with my body over the past week it’s been hard to take time to post an update!!  (Or to sit for very long–my lower back has had me in knots at times.  Fortunately I feel much better now!)  So, where to begin?  I’ve had a very busy six days at Renew Integrative Health Center . . .

First, I had recommendations last week from Jonathon Dodds, L.Ac on eating lots of red foods to boost my intake of fresh antioxidants and other natural nutritional factors, along with changing my iron supplement.  I immediately did both that afternoon and this week I’ve already felt some difference in my energy level and was able to reduce both the allergy and antacid medications I’m taking. Yay!!  Thanks Jonathan!

I also had a meeting last Saturday with Tina Mears, MFT on the obstacles standing in my way of meeting my goals & how to overcome them.  She helped me strengthen my resolve to put time for myself at the top of my daily to-do list. As a wife, mother, educator, and back-up for my husband’s business I end up at the bottom of my list unless I hold my ground and insist on time to do my exercises & prepare healthy meals (sometimes two–one for me & one for them), as well as time for my various treatments at Renew.  I had already begun to carve time for myself but Tina really reinforced how necessary this is for my health–and the health of my family.

Then on Monday and Tuesday I attended two seminars at Renew: One given by Dr. Kamyar M. Hedayat, M.D. on the biological (endocrine) interactions between my mood, the foods I eat, and how these profoundly effect my overall health; The other, given by  Dr. Robert Buchel, D.C. was on the importance of ridding my body of accumulated toxins from my years of over-the-counter pain medications (which I take in high doses), various prescription drugs, and (like Dr. Hedayat’s lecture) the constant cravings for sugar and simple carbs (read: pastry, cakes, bread, chocolate).

These seminars really helped me understand the chains of  biological reactions that are happening within my body and gave me tremendous encouragement! Now I understand why I’ve been feeling such profound exhaustion, light-headedness, fuzzy thinking, and muscle/joint pain.  But even more importantly, this knowledge has expanded my understanding of the interactions between my liver, pancreas, gall bladder, digestive system, brain/mood, hormonal/chemical reactions that drive and serve these structures & their individual processes, & much more.   And this knowledge is extremely helpful in my understanding the approach of the doctors here at Renew.   (I guess I need to understand the scientific basis for everything–even treatments like acupuncture have scientific language that can be accurately applied.)

So, I began my physical therapy Wednesday with Dr. Vanessa Jackson, D.P.T and Adam in the PT suite & boy, did they get my body moving!  Not to say I was running & sweating–they were working hard to unlock my stiff muscles & joints, work on my posture, & go through a stretching & limbering routine for me to do daily at home.  I’m sure glad they have this awesome whirlpool table (trough-shaped table filled with a warm ‘waterbed’ that has whirlpool jets pulsing underneath)–aahh!  Pure heaven for the stiff body!  All this helped me tremendously.

Wednesday I also had my second chiropractic adjustment with Dr. Buchel and he really worked, adjusting my joints from the base of my skull all the way down to my feet!  My spine, shoulders, elbows, wrists, hands, pelvis, hips, knees, & ankles were checked & adjusted if needed.  Now I was walking much better, although my body wasn’t quite sure what to do!  I actually had to be conscious of my movements as my normal pattern of walking had changed & if I wasn’t careful I felt I might stagger sideways.  Fortunately, my body acclimated quickly & the awkwardness passed in a few minutes.

Finally on Wednesday, I had a full history & examination with Dr. Hedayat. When finished I was so gratified & relieved when he explained that many of the destructive cycles he had spoken of (in his seminar on Monday) were ongoing in my body & causing much of my ill-health.  After being told my HMO they couldn’t find what was wrong with me & I would ‘just have to live with it’, I was excited to have an actual diagnosis & to start a course of action to begin healing!  The most important thing Dr. Hedayat told me was I need to rest my liver, gall bladder, & pancreas right now.

So for the next month or so I will avoid all starchy carbs like pastry, bread, potatoes, rice, pasta, & sugar.  (Waa!  Bye-bye chocolate!)  Along with the dietary changes recommended by Jonathan & a few detoxifying supplements, I will eat animal protein with each meal, have lots of vegetables, & before I eat any fruit I will eat 3-4 almonds or walnuts to aid the digestive process.  I will also snack on whole eggs (I like hard-boiled) & of course, drink plenty of water.  I will miss my bread & rice especially but I can do this for a month, or even two if needed.  I understand why I need to do this so I’m not seriously tempted cheat. (But I’ll be glad when I can have some Arroz con Pollo or fresh, whole-grain bread again!)

Then on Thursday I was able to get up in the morning and actually stand up straight & walk without shuffling about!  I look in the mirrior–GASP! My shoulders are back, my pelvis tilted correctly–I look like I just lost 10 pounds overnight!  Thanks Dr. Vanessa, Adam, & Dr. B!!

I’m so grateful–and motivated!!  I’ve never before had all these issues brought together by one person, or group of people working together. Now, having concrete knowledge and a plan for action is the key to my new-found determination.  Before, I was always aware that each practitioner was separate and many times their individual recommendations were incompatible in varying degrees.  The lack of coordination between each modality left me with many doubts.  I would have difficulty trying to pick and choose what parts of which programs to do, and my guesswork was never very useful or satisfying.  Now I have a terrific group of people who are extremely well-trained, have a wealth of experience in their fields, and truly want me to succeed.  Their good humor & grace has already shone through & I know they will be of tremendous help when I hit those stumbling blocks, as surely I will.

Unfortunately, on Thursday I was exhausted all day after my action-packed Wednesday (including 1-1/2 hour traffic each way!).  Then, as I was feeling better, I  had some sort of stomach/digestive crisis that night.  Whether it was food poisoning, a 6 hour flu, or the grocery store rotisserie chicken was too greasy, I don’t know.  But I ended up on the floor for 3-4 hours with pains in my right side like I’ve never felt before.  After ridding myself of that which offended my body, the pain slowly subsided & I was finally able to go to bed about 3 am.

Friday I had to cancel teaching workshops after being up all night but I finally felt well enough to head down to Renew again where Jonathan gave me acupuncture which really helped soothe & calm the last feelings of pain & nausea.  Then Dr. Buchel gave me another comprehensive chiropractic adjustment after a soothing heat treatment.  Then, some gentle stretching on the traction table & I felt pretty good!  (I did cancel my Physical Therapy session though.)  But I headed over to The Broken Yolk & had a terrific 4-egg omelet with tons of veggies & herbal tea (no honey!).  I did look wistfully at the yummy blueberry muffin, but I was good & took it home for my son.  Then I came home & slept like the proverbial log all afternoon, night,  & late this morning (Saturday, I’m just up really late–yikes! It’s 12:59 am on Sunday morning!)

But I do feel much better today.  My muscles are a bit sore but nothing major.  My right side is still tender inside, but I’m fine with eating from my approved list.  I’m standing straighter & I did some stretches; tomorrow I’ll do my full PT routine of assigned stretches & limbering exercises.   Boy, it feels great to start feeling good again!!  Thanks everyone at Renew!

I just can’t wait for my first appointments today at Renew Integrative Health Center. Yesterday I felt like a bug on the windshield.

I just wanted to do a simple thing, take my 8yr old son Rory to the beach. People do this all the time, right? I used to take him any time, & pull a wagon full of kids, toys & a cooler too!  But late yesterday afternoon I packed as light as I could & off we went to the beach, knowing I wasn’t up to carrying such things right now.  So I took a small water bottle, two towels, & tied my spare car key into my shorts.  Rory carried his bag of snorkeling gear & off we went.

We had parked about 4 blocks from the water & much of the way we walked over tidal mud flats.  While he ran around as only 8 year olds can I limped along, struggling to maintain a steady pace behind.  Each step began to hurt from my heels to my shoulder blades, with the pain steadily increasing until it was all I could do not to cry out.  When we finally got to a good spot I was grateful to sink down on the sand to watch him play.  While he tried to entice me to come play in the waves I just sat on the beach & tried not to sob with pain & frustration.  Here I sat, a stong woman who went through 30 hours of natural childbirth, reduced to tears by a walk at the beach. I wanted to run & swim with Rory but he knew I wasn’t up to it so he played games & clowned about to try to make me laugh.  He’s such a good kid!  So I sat there & choked back tears & yelled encouragements to him until the sun went down.  Then we wrapped up in the towels & packed up for the (dreaded) walk back.

By now I was hurting so much I was literally in survival mode. As I limped more & more, putting on foot in front of the other, I couldn’t allow myself to think about how far away from the car we were.  Rory knew I was feeling bad & he was pretty quiet as we went along.  The pain increased past anything I’ve felt while walking before, & then added in burning fire shooting up both legs just for good measure.   I was so exhausted I was literally staggering.  I thanked God with all my heart when we finally made it to the car.

When we got home I took six Aleve, had a shot of vodka, took a hot shower, & my dear, sweet, loving hubby rubbed my whole back with Tiger’s Balm.  Then I simply lay down on the couch with my family & vowed: I will get better, no matter what it takes!!  This is not the life I want, or the life my family deserves!   I will change my life!!