So, on with my quest to reduce my ever-present, high-stress levels! After receiving my test results & diagnosis two weeks ago, I’ve been doing a lot of observation of my feelings of stress, & experimenting with ways to reduce them. I began from my continued assumption I’ve held for umpteen years: That I over-react to my environment compared to ‘average’ people & that I should learn to somehow calm my outlook, and my reactions to the normal, daily stress of life. I’ve been trying for years to find a way to do this & I’ve learned many positive, helpful calming & coping strategies. But now, armed with the new knowledge of my thyroid & adrenal gland imbalances, I see a major part of my stress has physiological roots which then effect my feelings of stress & anxiety–not the other way around.
I’ve always been a high-energy person but as I’ve gone from my 20s to my 50s, I’ve realized my high-energy swings during each day are then followed by a period of low-energy recovery. And the high-energy time has gradually become shorter & shorter while my recovery time has taken longer & longer, finally to where I’ve had virtually no base-line energy at all the last 12-14 years or so–& especially the last 5 years! The only way I’ve been able to get anything done has been from adreneaine boosts that power me along in spite of my fatigue, & I finally wore those out over the last year or two. (I’m sure that stretch of time about 2 years ago where I couldn’t take the time to sleep one night a week–every week–for 11 months was literally my last straw. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia about 6 months later.)
This now makes perfect sense to me. My thyroid has been underperforming so I’ve been exhausted. But I have things to do–that’s life! So I amp myself up with fear of what will happen if I don’t complete a task, or I use lots of sugar & simple carbs + tons of caffeine. (Triple-hammerheads anyone? That’s coffee with 3 shots of espresso to you non-addicted folks.) What I’ve really been doing is setting in motion that feeling of panic! Bring on that adrenaline!! I’ve become a stupendous procrastinator because I need the adreneline to help me clear my head & get my job done. Panic–the fight or flight response–is very powerful! It’s become my hated ally in my daily routine & I see that now because my body has become so worn out I need the feeling of panic just to get myself moving in the morning. I’ve developed an automatic stress/adreneline response to even everyday-life type stresses which is now, thankfully, becomeing out-dated.
Since my diagnosis & ensuing treatment regimin I’ve noticed such a tremendous difference in my energy level & my concentration that I no longer need to rely on kicking my adrenal glands into high gear. I’m guessing that my thyroid level has risen, along with being in better physical shape thanks to the chiropractic work, physical therapy, & acupuncture, & losing 20 pounds from the synergy of my treatment plans. (Yay me!! Yay Renew!!)
But the most important realization I’ve made this week is the whole adrenaline-addiction thing. In the past, I’ve been either a bump on a log, or a crazy person, rushing around, busy, busy, busy, afraid to stop because I’m afraid if I sit down I won’t get up for a week. So my biggest challenge now is to stop myself from the habit of busyness & to find a calm center from which to live & work.
I just read thought-provoking article in November’s Yoga Journal (“busyness plan“) where Sally Kempton explores the ideas of addiction to busyness & finding meditation in all work. At first I thought she referred to the ‘zen’-like feeling I’ve found when doing simple, repetitive actions where I can lose myself in the motions & feel centered & calm. But on closer reading there was so much more. I was really taken with her analogy of the two monks. One was sweeping the temple steps & the other walked past & scolded him saying he was too busy & should be meditating, not sweeping. But the sweeping monk replies, “You should know that there is one inside me who is not busy!” Keller goes on to explain:
“The “one who is not busy” is our own pure Being, the unchanging presence within us that effortlessly connects us with the heart of the universe and and imbues us with the simple feeling of basic all-rightness. That monk was able to act in time and space from a state of stillness and timelessness, because even in action, he never lost contact with pure Being. Internal busyness comes from the feeling of not having enough time. When you act with inner focus, it shifts you out of time bind by anchoring you in the place where time is always enough.“
” . . . as you go about your daily tasks, the [yogic meditation] lies in your intention to keep turning to the one who is not busy and to feel [his/her] steadiness, [his/her] detachment, and [his/her] freedom. You won’t always see [the one who is not busy] immediately, but once you’re committed to looking though activity to stillness, [he/she] starts to find you. Tuning in to the one who is not busy makes your effort, well, effortless. That’s when action truly becomes [yogic meditation] and you become like an eight-armed action deity, effortlessly multi-tasking with no sense of being busy at all.” [emphasis mine]
That’s what I’ve been trying to find!! I need to re-train my body to function from a place of centered calm, not from adrenaline panic. Since I read Kempton’s article I’ve tried to put this in practice each day–as often as I can remember to when I feel the rush of panic–& the frequency of these feelings makes me aware of just how hard I’ve pushed my body. It’s like I’ve been at war & now I don’t know what to do now that a secure peace has been negotiated. “The one who is not busy” has definitely been in hiding for years & now I’ve got to find her & coax her out! Each day when I find that calm place–even for a few minutes–I find Kempton is right. I do feel calm & centered no matter what I’m doing or the maelstrom that’s whirling about my head and that centered place helps my body stay on a more even energy level, since I’m not burning up energy & depleting my adrenaline stores.
So now I’ll spend the rest of this Challenge & beyond learning a new way of living in my newly-balancing body. As I continue to heal & gain sturdiness to my health I must retrain the neural pathways of my brain to leave behind the old coping mechanisms of panic & adrenaline & grow new pathways of calm energy that will benefit my physical health (& thus my mental health) for the rest of my life. This is getting a little easier because each time I can find “the one” inside me, I’m rewarded with a calmness & peace inside my healthier body that I’ve never known, & it leaves me wanting more. So I’m motivated even more to seek the calm and avoid the panic. I think that’s a pretty good trade for life–don’t you?