Well, the more I blog the more I’m realizing how I’m going to have to get back to a very firm grasp on my time management.  There’s no way I’m going to be able to make the changes I have to if  I can’t seem to figure out what it my problem is!  What’s up with me anyway?!   I’ve run my own profitable business from age 14, successfully attended college & university, had numerous jobs where I’ve worked very  & traveled solo more than half the year while completing my various duties, & I’ve been assigned many times to design or streamline department procedures.  Then WHY oh why is it so hard for me to juggle my life now?! The wife & mom thing has such an emotional component for me that I seem to not consider my own needs during my waking hours.  (That’s so hard for me to type, & to face–I feel like such a wimp!  But if I’m not truly honest with myself there’s no way I can make true changes in my life.)

And yes, I really do believe that making changes in your life starts with an awareness of the thing(s) you want to change.  Then you have to work very hard putting the change(s) you want to see in yourself into practice. Personally, I find it can be very helpful to understand why I do some of the things I do as it can help weaken my desire to do the thing I want to stop.  But the hardest part for all of us in making changes in our lives is to actually put the new behaviors or attitudes into constant practice! And we have to keep on doing them until they become second nature and actually become part of us!  (Oh, if it was only as easy to do as it is to write.)

Today (I’m writing late Friday night)  I feel like I do much of my time–as though I’m always exhausted, hiking up a hill with the top just a short distance ahead on the trail & all I have to do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I reach it–then everything will get easier.  As soon as I finish  <<insert chore/job description here>>,  then I’ll have time to spend on myself & exercise & address my health.  Then I’ll have time again to read books for pleasure, watch a movie or a few TV shows of my own, or to ride horses.  Then I’ll have time to do anything else I’d like to do because I have leisure time.  (Oooo, it sounds so decadent & sensual when I say it–leisure time.  The last time I had any was when I was pregnant, & before that almost 20 years ago!)

I guess that’s the big thing I’ll be so grateful for when our business is generating more income because I see money as something that can help to ease some of the stresses we have in life–it can buy leisure time.  Right now, lack of spendable income is a major motivator for so much of what hubby & I do–we do whatever ‘it’ is ourselves to save money.  I believe that’s basically a good thing but we’ve had to carry it to extremes for way to long.  I mean, I’d dearly love to have someone help me with the heavy cleaning  again, or assist me in re-organizing the garage, my office, & homeschool supplies.  I just become so physically exhausted when doing the same stuff millions of other people seem to do with no problem, that it’s  very discouraging to me.

Well I just went back & read what I wrote–Yikes!!   I’m not trying to be a downer (or whiner!) but I feel I’ve succeeded admirably.     I guess I’ve just felt like the mountain of work around here is endless!  I got that cold last Friday & went to sleep, then woke up & it was Tuesday!!  Poor hubby’s working such long hours he drags himself home, has a shower & dinner, then hits the sack.  He’s been great vacuuming & mowing the lawns for me though, even when he’s so whacked he’s walking around in a stupor as he knows how those chores really kill my back.  And like every mom, I had to plow through mountains of cleaning, dishes, grocery shopping,  & laundry while sick (& before myhome was ready for my friends & I to teach classes here this morning).   And now I have to be up at 6:00 am again, even though it’s almost midnight now.  Boy!!  Am I ever ready for a shower & beddie-bye!  For a week!!!

Now hold on a minute!  Now I’m going to stop this & focus on the positive things I’ve been doing!!  (Notice the behavior you want to change, then make the change.) I am proud of myself that I’ve been stretching every morning when I get up, & this definitely helps my mobility.  Instead of shuffling about for 10-15 minutes it’s only about 5 or so that it’s really bad.

And, since I found out I’d been chosen to participate in Ch10′s  Half-Year Challenge, I’ve really motivated to eat even healthier than usual!!  Don’t get me wrong, I still grab a salad or grilled chicken sandwich at the local drive-through with my 8 year old son, but I do eat 1-5 pieces of fruit per day, lots of veggies, whole-grain/ sprouted wheat  bread & bagels, lots of rice, beans & lentils, much more chicken & fish & little red meat (although I  love BBQ & carne asada), I drink lotsof water every day, & about 1-3 glasses of wine or beer a week.  Usually when I feel so bad physically, I over-indulge in chocolate (isn’t that one of the four major food groups?) and pastries.  Not now though!  I still have a few bites of chocolate or pastry, but I’m not eating gobs of this to give me the energy I need to get though the day like I was before.  Now when I get that totally exhausted, light-headed feeling & begin to get dizzy & have difficulty staying awake I have a small glass of juice, followed by a balanced mix of protein & ‘healthy’ carbs (whole grain, low-glycemic), then some coffee & an apple for dessert.  I’ve always felt better when I eat foods that minimize swings in blood sugar, even though I’ve never tested positive for any sort of diabetic- or pre-diabetic condition.  So I will be proud of myself for choosing to eat what is good for me & for actually being comfortable with the reduction of my emotional comfort foods.  Making good choices in my life feels good!

So I’ll pat myself on the back for choosing not to dwell on my sense of futility & to focus instead on my sense of optimism about my future health, & for my small steps toward my healthier self. I’ll keep remembering that I must cut my goals into manageable pieces, & even smaller pieces if I need to, but the important thing is to take those first baby steps & keep on going.

And I’ll remind myself that as my cold goes away I’ll get a better attitude back.  It’s so hard to feel like I’m ready to get up & go when all I want to do is to lay down & sleep!